


He remembers

by Bmxtthxw



Series: Time Loop AU [1]
Category: Black Friday - Team StarKid, The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: AU, Angst with a Happy Ending, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Time Loop AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:28:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23725342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bmxtthxw/pseuds/Bmxtthxw
Summary: They don't get calm mornings often but they'll take it when they can.Xander's just not entirely sure why he could swear that this morning has happened before.
Relationships: Xander Lee/John McNamara
Series: Time Loop AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1711102
Comments: 3
Kudos: 24





	He remembers

**Author's Note:**

> This is entirely based off a time loop theory that me and my friend have but its soft and kinda sweet so I'm sharing anyway. Hope you enjoy

It was the first time in a while either of them got to wake up peacefully after a mission. The missions were always too chaotic to allow for any sort of calm in the McNamara-Lee household, but they weren’t going to turn down the small blessing. The only strange part was that the calm came after a mission in Hatchetfield. John never could figure out why but even just the name of the place created an anxiety in some deep part of him. Again, though, they weren’t about to turn down the small blessing, instead choosing to spend the quiet of the morning laying beside each other, holding on as though anything might make them let go. 

They laid there long enough that eventually Xander couldn’t keep pretending to be asleep so John wouldn’t get up and John decided that it was probably time to start making breakfast so they wouldn’t be late for work. He stayed quiet as he got up, not wanting to break the calm, and left a kiss on Xander’s cheek before he headed into the kitchen. Xander stayed in bed a moment longer, a part of him confused. It felt like this had happened before, but not in that this was a habit of his and John’s but in that it had happened almost exactly like this before. He only got a few moments to contemplate that before he heard his husband crashing around in the kitchen and decided he should probably help before John managed to create a mess out of their home.

“What are you trying to make that needs this much noise?” He wrapped his arms around John’s waist, hooking his chin over his shoulder. The weird confusion still hadn’t gone away but he ignored it in favor of hugging his husband.

“I’m tempted to try for pancakes, but if that’s too loud-” John paused, setting down the eggs he’d pulled from the fridge.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine, I…It feels like I said that before. Like the strangest case of deja vu.” John turned around in Xander’s arms, looking as confused as Xander felt. 

“Do you even believe in deja vu?” Xander cracked a smile but John’s didn’t quite match. He turned back to the eggs before Xander got a chance to ask about it. 

“Anyway. Pancakes. Think I should make those or go for something simpler?” John asked, glancing back at him. Xander pretended he didn’t notice John fidgeting with his wedding ring.

“You could always let me cook. You make the coffee, I’ll take care of pancakes, or whatever. Do we even have the stuff to make pancakes?” He asked, not waiting for an answer before he went to check. Or at least, he tried to, only to get caught by John grabbing the back of his shirt. “John?”

He let go as quickly as he had grabbed on. “I’m sorry.” There was a pause, like he hadn’t thought of the second half yet, “Autopilot, I suppose. I wasn’t thinking. I love you.” He said the last sentence with a smile that Xander couldn’t help but return. He was still worried, of course, but John seemed content to ignore it all for now, going right to making the coffee as suggested. 

Xander chose not to continue the conversation about how John was. They both knew that sometimes missions left some anxieties, even when they were over. Besides that, there was a part of him that wasn’t sure he’d get another morning like this. He didn’t know where the feeling came from, the mission the day before had gone perfectly, more than that even, not a single officer had even gotten injured. John had come home to him in one piece. What more could he ask for? 

He turned to the cabinets before he could start overthinking, forced himself back to the routine of making breakfast with John. Before long, he found himself absently humming along to some song in the back of his mind. He didn’t know it well, nor did he know where he had heard it, but it didn’t matter. It didn’t stop him from flinching when he heard something shatter behind him. “John?”

“Fuck, Zee…” John’s hand was back to holding onto his shirt, stuck between wanting to pull Xander closer and not wanting to pull him near the shattered coffee mug on the floor. 

“Are you okay?” Xander made the choice for him, carefully stepping over the mug to check on him.

“No.” As close as he was, it was easy to see that John was shaking. It only increased any concern there was, John did not get scared, not openly, not visibly. “The loops.”

Xander tilted his head. He was used to his husband being a little cryptic but he didn’t understand why the loops were causing this. He knew about them, of course, PEIP had been trying to stop a time loop that had been focused on Hatchetfield for a while, but that still didn’t explain why they were freaking John out.

“This is the first one I haven’t died in- in the Black and White or Hatchetfield, I-...” They had both known, vaguely, that John had volunteered for a few of the missions to end the loops, and that some hadn’t ended well, but that didn’t stop the words from shocking Xander. Rather than saying anything, he just held onto John as tight as he could manage as John did the same to him. When John spoke again, his voice was barely there, like he was a moment from crying. “Zee, I remember them… Every single way those loops killed me…”

“Oh, John,” He held him almost impossibly closer, tilting his head so John could hide his face against his shoulder. He didn’t want to believe that it could possibly have been that many loops but he knew that no matter what he believed, it was true. He knew he had lived through too many realities of getting a phone call that he wouldn’t have John back in his arms again. “It’s alright… It’s alright, I’m here, it won’t happen again.”

“You don’t know that. All we know about the loops are just theories, we could lose each other again, you know that.” It had been years since he had seen John panic, since he had seen him break down like this. Xander just gently let go of his side of the hug, instead reaching up to hold John’s face, ground him in some way.

“It won’t happen again.” He’d be damned if he had to hear Schaffer or anyone else call him to tell him his husband had died again. He’d be damned if he had to watch it happen again. “We’ve never remembered the past loops before. Ever. Why would we remember it now if something hadn’t changed?”

“Zee- Xander, we don’t know. What if this is just the- the Black and White messing with us or something… Trying to give us hope before yanking it away again?”

“Then we’ll find each other again. We’ll be together again… Think about it, has there been a loop where we didn’t have each other?”

“No…”

“We always find each other. We’re each other’s constant.” And he said it with such surety in his voice that John could do nothing but nod and hold on tight. “I love you. Always will, in every world, every loop.”

“I love you too.” His voice still betrayed the crying that had yet to fully stop, but neither man cared. There was no rush, not today. “Always will, every world, every loop.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
